My Valentine

To My Sweet Baby Girl,                                                                                                January 20, 2015

You are already so cherished and so loved. Your daddy and I have been waiting and praying for you for what feels like our entire lives. You see, we've been very anxious to have you join us. Anxious might be an understatement; impatient. Yes, impatient for you to join us. Perhaps that is why you are just now coming to us, to teach us our very first lesson in parenting. I'm sure there will be many more for us to learn from you. 

Here is what I've learned from you already, my darling baby. I have learned that sometimes our Father in Heaven wants to bless us so very badly, because He loves us so much, but He knows it isn't time yet. And I know now that it does not mean we aren't doing enough to deserve the blessing we ask for. It simply means 'No, not yet. Trust me; I have a design for your life.' Had we been blessed with you right when we wanted you, I would not have learned to trust in God, trust in His plan for our family, and to wait patiently for the plan to unfold in His timing. 

I have learned that the divine gift of Motherhood is just that, a gift. I don't think people know or remember just how lucky they are to be mothers. Especially as I was waiting for you. It hurt me to watch others be given this precious gift and seem to so quickly forget how lucky they are as they complain about the changes in their body, the unpleasantries of pregnancy, the busy schedule of being a new mother, the struggle to regain life's delicate balance. It hurt me to hear stories on the news of mothers and fathers who neglect their children, who hurt their children, who don't deserve their children. And so I know, and I will always remember, that you are giving me the greatest gift; you are making me a mother. And I thank you and Heavenly Father for trusting me with this gift. 

I have learned that we are stronger than we think we are. Your daddy played a big part in this, too. Each time our prayers seemed to go unanswered, our efforts unrewarded, I felt my heart rip in half. Really. That's what it felt like; my heart hurt so badly and it seemed beyond repair at times. And then slowly, sometimes very slowly, your daddy would help it stop hurting. You should know how amazing your father is; he was the strong one, he was the faithful one, he was the hopeful one, when I couldn't be. I relied on him. On him, on my Savior, and on you. Yes, you. I could feel you encouraging me to keep hoping, to keep trying, to not give up. 

Baby girl, now you are growing. Oh man, are you growing! Just a few weeks ago, I got to feel you move inside of me for the very first time. Just a few days ago, your daddy got to feel you squirming, full of life and energy, for the very first time. These moments are forever ingrained in my heart and mind. You are 20 weeks old now, and in about the same amount of time, your daddy and I will get to hold you in our arms. But in the meantime, we pray every day for you, for your continual growth and development, for you to know how much we love you and how lucky we are that you are ours. You and I, we are making a miracle happen. Every day. I feel it when you somersault; I feel it when you kick; I feel it when I sing to you or daddy reads to you, and you let us know you can hear us. 

We love you, precious. Thank you for answering our prayers.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Our first family picture! 

We are MOVING!

The word is out! Colton and I are moving to Washington DC in September. 

First thoughts when he told me he got a job offer:

"Are you being for reals right now?"

"What?!?!"

"I'm gonna die"

"Okay maybe I won't die, but..."

"Jamo gets home in October."

"Are we really gonna move 2,100 miles away? That's as far as we could go without leaving the country!"

"Wait, this could actually be really fun!"

"My husband is awesome."

"WE ARE MOVING TO DC!"

I think I'm still kind of in shock. I mean, I shouldn't be. We have known that this would happen at some point. I've known it since we were dating! I guess we just have gotten really comfortable here. We have great jobs, we are close to family and friends, we have the ideal living situation, we love our ward, and we are finally getting some answers about our long and worrisome struggle with infertility.

But despite all of that, I'm surprisingly at peace with our decision. Other than my initial reaction of surprise, I feel good about this move. That doesn't mean it will be easy for me. Trust me, I'm very aware of how challenging this change will be for me. I've never lived anywhere but Utah. DC is a very different place, and did I already mention that it's 2,100 miles away from the place we call home? 

It will be hard for me to leave a job that I have come to love. It will be really hard to not be home to watch Bells start her first season of college volleyball, and hard not to be home to watch Shelbs keep growing up so fast. It will be hard to fly home for Jamo's homecoming, only to have to leave shortly after, getting few precious hours after a very long 2 years. It will be hard for me to make new friends, and I will desperately miss all of my awesome friends/family here. They are my biggest support; thank goodness for FaceTime and Skype! It will be hard to pay at least 3x as much in living expenses (not that we have a spendy lifestyle, but we will still have to adjust mentally haha). It will be hard on me to find new doctors to trust with our most important priority.

My dad gave a talk in church once when I was a teenager and it has stayed with me since. He talked about comfort zones. He talked about how some callings we are given or things we are asked to do or service we are asked to give will push us out of our comfort zones. He talked about how trials that come our way will push us out of our comfort zones. He admitted that being outside our comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable! It can be frustrating, intimidating, and worrying. My wise father then said something I won't ever forget: If you aren't ever pushed out of your comfort zone, you won't ever change and grow. We forget the bigger picture when we get too comfortable. We forget we have more to do and more to become.

This thought gives me so much peace and comfort at this time. Moving across the country to DC is most definitely outside my comfort zone. And it's going to be scary and frustrating at times. But what I mostly think about is that Colton and I are going to learn and grow in ways that would not be possible if we stayed put in our comfortable circumstances. 

This is an incredible opportunity, not to mention an exciting adventure! And the timing couldn't be more perfect (well, except for the whole moving only a month before my brother gets home thing). I have been blessed to know and understand that God has a plan for us, that His hand is in our life. I can't help but think that my plan to start pursuing a higher education this fall didn't work out because He knew. I can't help but think that my mind was not at ease with switching jobs and breaking into a different industry because He knew. I can't help but think that maybe we haven't been able to have a child because He knew. It's very humbling, when you can take a step back and look at the bigger picture and realize that He's been guiding you all along. 

WE ARE MOVING TO WASHINGTON DC!

P.S. Please come visit us. We would love to have guests :) And who doesn't want to visit DC?! There's so much to see and do and experience. 

P.P.S. We will miss everyone so so much. We are grateful for the outpouring of love and support from everyone in making this decision. We have the BEST family and friends.

Growth

Colton and I teach Gospel Principles each and every Sunday- a Sunday School class based on the simple principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We were chosen and asked to begin this class after a length of nonexistence in our ward. I felt scared, inadequate, nervous, anxious, worried, terrified, and surprised. Scared and terrified of my first opportunity to teach the gospel. Nervous and anxious about reforming and starting up a new class. Worried about my inadequacy- I am young and there are much more qualified and experienced people for the task. Surprised that our leaders would request for us to tackle this project when we had only been there a few months ourselves and hadn't had the chance to become acquainted with many people.

But now I'm grateful.

Grateful and happy. 

I'm beginning to realize how much this opportunity has taught me, how much it has forced me to learn and grow. My friends and family know I can be an introvert. I find it extremely difficult to be open, honest, and vulnerable with people, even people close to me. I tend to shut down and close myself off from feeling, from trusting, from letting people see who I am. Thankfully, in order to teach the beautiful simplicity of the gospel, I had to get past those tendencies. I learned to open up and share the thoughts and feelings that are in my head and heart. And every time I found the courage to do that, my confidence and courage grew.

It still isn't easy for me, but it's easier.

 And now I get to see people do the same. That's the biggest thing that I have learned: when you share your heart with others, they're 1000 x more likely to share their heart with you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

We are learning and growing together. We are helping each other remember the simple beauty and happiness that comes from living the principles that Jesus Christ taught. We share experiences, testimonies, fears, joys, concerns, hope. 

My favorite experience so far: bonding with my sweet Chilean sister. 

This woman just moved to a new country with a foreign culture and language. She and her family are from thousands of miles away. They don't speak any English. They've experienced nothing but hardship and obstacles since coming here. 

I don't speak Spanish. The extent of my knowledge of the Spanish language is 7th and 8th grade Spanish class: "Hola! Como estas?" and "Me llamo es Hermana Miles," and "Me gusta cantar." Do I wish I had learned more now? Absolutely. But here is the amazing thing. 

This sweet sister started coming to our class because it is significantly smaller than the gospel doctrine class. She was lost, lonely, and confused. The day she came to our class for the very first time, our lesson was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, my most favorite subject to discuss and bear testimony of. Our lesson consisted of uplifting discussion, sharing of experiences, and a great presence of the spirit. And then we played the Reflections of Christ slideshow (on the far left). 

We may not speak the same language. We may not be able to communicate with words. But that Sunday, I was able to communicate my testimony and love for my Savior to this sister. There has been no sweeter teaching moment than watching her countenance soften and her eyes fill with tears. No sweeter moment than her heartfelt and sincere embrace and "Gracias. Gracias hermana." 

Later, she explained to me (via a fellow class member who has begun translating for her) that for the first time since leaving her home in Chile, she felt the spirit that day. For the first time since being here in a ward of strangers and language barriers, she felt love and peace; she felt welcome. 

We have a special bond now. We cry together, almost every class (I swear my tear ducts are somehow directly attached to my heart). We smile at each other and embrace. She even comments in class frequently and contributes to discussion confidently.

She is my sister. This woman that I can't even communicate with in the usual way. And I love her. 

Growth. 

I have grown. I have been stretched. This opportunity is molding me into the person that God wants and needs me to be at this time and place. We, my husband and I, the people that attend our class, are growing. And that's the beautiful simplicity of the gospel. 

two-thousand fourteen

What's new? Not a whole lot. That seems to be my problem. I'm wanting and waiting for something big to happen; but I keep getting reminded that sometimes, we aren't in complete control of our lives. Sometimes, there's a bigger plan for us that we can't always envision. Sometimes, our perspective gets so small and limited that life seems disappointing.

We are now well into 2014. I am wanting specific changes and new experiences. I'm hoping this year will bring those things for us! In the meantime, I'm going to try to live in the NOW, be present in my life, because my life is GOOD. 

I have a job that I enjoy, that allows me to help & teach people. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally, supports me in everything I do, and always makes me laugh when I need it most. We have a beautiful and comfortable home to enjoy. I have callings in church that challenge me, force me to meet new people, and help me grow stronger. I have friends and family that always remind me how much I am loved, needed, and appreciated. I have a miraculous and beautiful healthy body that heals, runs, loves, walks, breathes, feels, and lives. 

At the end of the day, I have a life that's good. 

A Merry Little Christmas

This post is definitely a bit late, but Christmas this year was so incredibly great! I got spoiled more than I ever have and am blessed to have the most amazing family and friends. Highlights:

Trips to Temple Square in SLC with Best Friends!

Putting up and decorating our Christmas tree is always a favorite part for me!

Time spent with family

Finally drawing Jeremiah for Christmas so that we could get this tshirt made for him

A visit from Santa

Getting spoiled rotten with two amazing (& very generous) gifts. Thanks Colton and Mommy!

Skyping with our favorite missionary. We love and miss you, Elder Moss!

Too Much Time on My Hands

With school ending (for now) and my part-time job situation, I definitely find myself with a lot of free time. Because it's been so long since I have experienced this, I regretfully failed to manage it very well or fill it with productivity. The first little while was spent watching TV shows I've never had the time to watch, watching favorite old movies, re-reading books I've read a hundred times, sleeping in, etc. 

Lately, I have made a goal to become more 'domestic'. Now, what I mean by that is simply to do a lot of the crafts and projects I've been wanting to do for years, executing the ideas that have been swimming around in my head (or on my Pinterest boards) for a really long time! I also have the time now to cook more demanding meals and try lots of new recipes, which is something I have always enjoyed but never had much time for. 

If you care to follow my attempts and adventures in increasing my domestic abilities, I have created a page (right up at the top of my blog) called "Cooking, Crafts, & Projects". On this page, I will document my latest craft, recipe, or project. 

Who knows? Maybe you'll find something you want to try!

Falling for Fall

I used to think summer was my favorite time of the year. But now that fall is no longer associated with the stress of going back to school (which, I must admit, has been a bittersweet thing), I can honestly say I am falling for fall. 

This is why:

october general conference. being inspired and uplifted. receiving answers to prayers. feeling very strongly of god's love for me and those around me.

celebrating this guy's birth and life. he's my everything

clean, crisp fall air. beautiful fall colors. rejuvenation.

colder weather. more nights in by the fireplace. precious time with my love.

paintings in the fall sky.

jeremiah. laughter. smiles. hugs. kisses. sweetness. purity. 

Just a Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

Sometimes when I have a bad day, I get caught up in the negative. And then I remembered something I saw a couple months ago: 

"Take a deep breath. It's just a bad day, not a bad life." 

Yes, bad days are not so fun. And yes, they often happen because of things that are frustratingly out of our control. But from now on when I find I'm having a rough day, I'm going to take a deep breath and remember that life is good. 

One day does not define my entire life. 

Next time I'm having a rough day, regardless of the reason, I'll say to myself: Relax. Take a deep breath. It's just a bad day, not a bad life. Life is GOOD.

Ragnar Relay: Wasatch Back

Last month, I did something I never thought I'd do- I ran a Ragnar race! I had always heard a lot of good things from people about their Ragnar experiences, but they were also coupled with statements about how long and hard they had to train, how much pain it caused them, or how difficult the race was. So naturally I had mixed feelings about it. But when my dad asked me to run the Ragnar for a great cause (a dying friend's wish - click HERE to read about it), I knew I wouldn't say no. What I didn't know was that it would be an incredible experience.

I joined 83 other people in making up 7 teams to support Michelle and her family. Together, we made up the Funny Farm Fanatics: chickens, sheep, mice, turkeys, donkeys, cows, and pigs.

Go team Funny Farm Donkeys! 12 people, 36 legs, 200 miles!

After months of training, I felt pretty ready to tackle this thing! And surprisingly, tackle it we did. We did awesome! I couldn't have asked for a better team. Everyone did their best- there were lots of "kills" and "resurrections" and sore muscles and sleep deprivation and laughter and sweat. Here's us gearing up before the race, getting our tatts on!

(P.S. I still have a tan line in the shape of that Ragnar tatt - I call it my ghost tattoo)

I was runner 12, bringing up the rear. Leg 12 (Hard) - 2 mile trail run! I have to admit, I did not prepare myself enough for trail running. Not only is it a lot more physically demanding, but it is also very mentally challenging! You can't just put one foot in front of the other - it takes constant attention to detail and a careful eye to avoid tree roots, rocks, slick footing, etc. But it is also breathtaking, beautiful, and refreshing. Here's me at the end of my first run!

Leg 24 (Hard) - 7 miles, almost all uphill (some of it gradual, some of it steep), in the wee hours of the morning. That's right - I started at 2:40 a.m. and finished at 3:30 a.m. At first I was freezing, but once I got moving, I warmed up pretty quick! I was really proud of myself for keeping a consistent, fairly quick pace on this leg. I hauled butt and killed a lot of people on this run - and when I got to the exchange point to hand off to my teammate, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE! I can't even describe how furious I was. I had worked so hard to make up for some lost time for our team, and our van 1 teammates weren't at the exchange. 16 MINUTES LATER, they finally showed up. Oh boy was I upset. 16 minutes! Their excuse, you might wonder? Didn't have a good one. I'm not still bitter or anything ;) Because of how dark it was, and that it was a no van support leg, this is the only pic I got:

I guess that's me! Haha

After I finished that leg, we (van 2) had a bit of time to rest while van 1 was running. We went to a middle school that had hot showers and wrestling mats to sleep on - best $5 I ever spent! Got a good 2 hours of solid sleep and then it was show time again! Here's some pics of our wait/rest time:

Before I describe my last run, I just wanna give a shout out to my van 2 teammates. All of us had KILLER last legs of the race. 2 of my teammates each had to run 4 miles straight uphill. That 8 mile uphill stretch was NASTY. They were champs and rocked it! Couldn't have done it, so I'm glad I didn't have to. The view at the top was gorgeous:

Love my daddy :) So glad he was our van driver and there to support me and cheer me on!

When a team goes up, they must come down. Andrea, my cousin, was the runner that had the pleasure of running straight downhill for 8 miles. What a champ! She made great time, and I was waiting for her at the exchange to take on my next and final run.

Leg 36 (Moderate) - 3 mile trail run. Moderate? Yeah right! This thing should have been labeled Hard or Very Hard. The Ragnar Bible deceived me. I prepared for a 'moderate' 3 mile trail run, supposedly easier than my first trail run. But was it? Heck to the no! Not only was I tired and running on like 3 hours of sleep, peanut butter and celery, and rolls with turkey, but it was 12:30 ish and hot, hot, hot! Here's me at the beginning of the leg, ready to finish the race for team Donkeys:

So I follow this nice, paved path for a few minutes, getting "killed" by a few huge macho men flying by. It leads me to the trail head. And where does the trail go? STRAIGHT UP A MOUNTAIN. Not exaggerating. I ran it for maybe 5 minutes, and then had to walk the rest. I was feeling so weak and lame and like such a wuss! And then I saw these big macho men that had passed me before the trailhead walking up the mountain too, and I didn't feel so bad anymore :) HA! 

Once I get to the top, now I get to run down the mountain on a winding trail. So refreshing to my poor legs that were on fire from speed walking up. Once I make it down the mountain, the path leads me back uphill into a neighborhood. After a short run through the neighborhood (when I say short, what I was really thinking at the time was, "I swear I've run more than three miles! Where is the stinkin' finish line?!"), I come back down into Park City High, where I know the finish line is waiting for me. Hallelujah! I come around the corner and there's my team, there to cheer me on! I slap all their hands and keep going, with them following behind to cross the finish line with me. What I didn't realize at the time was that I should've slowed down a bit so that we could all cross together. Whoops. I kind of left them in the dust because I wanted to give it my all until the very last second! There was no stopping me now! Evidence: (I'm on the right side of the cones)

I DID IT!

And I had a great support system waiting for me at the end. Thanks Colt, Mom, Dad! The first thing they did was put a medal around my neck, and it almost sent me to the ground. Man that thing is heavy!

I love my husband :)

Couldn't have done it without this girl, Andrea! She gets the Best Cousin Ever award fer sure!

The Funny Farm Donkeys

Overall, the Wasatch Back Ragnar was an awesome experience. It challenged me, and I love a good challenge. Was it hard? Oh, yes. But it was so worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

If you have trouble sleeping, just run a Ragnar. You'll sleep great ;) 

Makes Me Wanna Take a Back Road

The hubster and I spent Memorial Day weekend with his family up in Driggs, Idaho at the Buxton Farm, on Buxton Lane, just over Buxton bridge. After the long car ride through the middle of nowhere, you enter the beautiful valley, overlooked by the Tetons.

This is one of the most peaceful and beautiful places I've been to: no crowds, no hustle and bustle, no traffic, no shopping malls. Just friendly waves from passers by, dirt roads, acres upon acres of farmland, and one stoplight. Just ONE.

I love this place. This is where generations of Buxtons have worked the land over with their hands, planting and harvesting potatoes, barley, hay, you name it. I love hearing all the stories about the hardships and the fun times. I'm grateful for the farm in Driggs. My part-cowboy, part-politician split-personality husband (love him so much!) spent his summers working side by side Granpda and Grandma Buxton, repairing fences, branding calves, plowing fields, moving pipe. He learned how to work and how to work HARD. Getting up with the sun and working all day until sundown. Without spending his summers up there, my husband would most likely be like too many people's husbands: lazy and afraid to get his hands dirty! (HAHAHAHA JK, but for reals)

There is a beautiful simplicity up in that Teton Valley that I have come to love. To be cliche, people stop to smell the roses there. And that fresh, mountain air does a lotta good for the soul! That trip was just what I needed: a break from the busy and complicated world we live in. Nothing better than a ride up the canyon on a four-wheeler, campfires and mallows, and making more memories with family.

We miss you, Grandpa Buxton! It just isn't the same up here without you...

Makes me wanna take a back road...

See ya in the fall, Driggs!