The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

For a girl much too young to face death, these words became reality tonight.

Life ain't always what you think it oughta be...
I never knew... {love} but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.
Funny when you're {gone} how people start listening.


Who would've thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life.
But I've had just enough time.


And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom.
I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors.


Send me away with the words of a love song.
The ballad of a dove; go with peace and love.

I am grateful for so many things. But most of all right now I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have the opportunity to live a full and happy life. I'm grateful for courageous people like this beautiful young girl that taught us all what life is really about and showed us what happiness means.

Life is too short. I never want to live a day where I forget that. And only God knows when the time will come for you to move on. The only thing that I can do is to make sure that I can say that "I've had enough time." Enough time to live and to love and to be remembered.

God Bless the families all over the world who are suffering and mourning losses. I mourn with you.

A New Beginning

These are my beautiful, wonderful, hilarious new roommates. I moved into Enclave and love it already!

Amanda and I are very similar in many ways, yet different at the same time. Don't ask me how it works, it just does! It is inspiring the way she is so passionate about school and I hope I can study at least half as much as she does. She makes delicious food and keeps us all happy and healthy. She is a great listener and gives really good advice. I'm excited to get to know her better and have good times!

Stephanie, lil munchkin! Where to even start... She's my best friend and I love her so much. She is always there for me and doesn't judge me-she loves me for me, no matter what! We have WAY too much fun together and I can't wait to make even more memories with her (as if we don't have enough already). I'm so grateful to have a friend like her and to be living with her makes me very happy. We're practically sisters anyway...

And Jess. Oh man Jess is hysterical! I had no clue this girl was going to be so funny! Jess is adorable in every way. I'm stoked to become better friends with her. She's super understanding and really easy to bond with. She likes to be social, as do I, so I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun times in the future. We already laugh together a lot, which I really appreciate.

Living with these girls has already made me sooo much happier. Nobody will know the difference but me. But I just wanted to express my gratitude to them for taking me in and making me feel welcome and wanted. It is just what I needed and I'm really glad I decided to spontaneously make it happen. BEST DECISION EVER!

Life's a Dance!

I'm coming back to the blogging world. Maybe for longer than a month this time. We'll just have to wait and see.

I have been inspired to take writing up again by a dear friend of mine who just has a way with words, and who is possibly the happiest person in the world right now. Literally.

As I start another semester at BYU, I look back and can't even remember how I got to such a point in my life. I am in my fourth semester, it is 2011, and so much has changed. And ya know what, I'm kinda scared of change. But I'm beginning to learn to embrace change, to make it your friend, to take advantage of it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm learning to be patient with myself and with my circumstances and where I'm at in life. I'm not a patient person--this is no easy task for me. I want to have a plan, I want to have a future in sight, I want I want I want. But I realize that in obsessing over finding a plan, I forgot to live in the present. I forgot to live, period.

Life's a dance, you learn as you go.

At this point in my life especially, it isn't always possible to have a plan. I can't even look six months into the future and know where I'll be and what I'll be doing. This used to hold me back, to hinder my enjoyment of life, to bring constant anxiety and worry. Not anymore! I won't let it. I was missing the point of life. Life is given to us to learn and grow, to love and laugh, to be loved, to find out who we are and who we want to be. Life is a dance, you learn as you go.

And I'm in the craziest, coolest, most fun step of this so-called dance. And I am learning as I go. I learned lots of things last semester. I learned that grandmas are the best examples ever--they know what they're talking about! They've lived an entire life loving and serving and being loved. I love my Grandma and the things she has taught me in such a short time. She taught me that when you truly love someone, they'll never leave your heart. She taught me that it is possible to live a happy and full life, despite all the curve balls thrown at you. And most important of all, she taught me about happiness. REAL HAPPINESS. Happiness that comes from deep within your soul; sometimes you have to really dig in to feel it. She taught me that what I was doing and how I was living was not seeking after true happiness. I was searching for happiness in things that don't matter in the end, in things she doesn't even have anymore. My dear grandmother taught me that happiness comes from living a faithful life, trusting in God, building relationships with people you love, and dancing to your own music.

Grandma gave me the perfect environment to learn. And oh boy did I learn a lot about myself. I learned that I don't have to be the tough chick all the time. For the first time in my life, I felt really lost. Things had always gone according to plan before. And the first time they didn't happen the way I thought they should, I let it destroy me. I ran away to a little place and built four walls around me. I ran away and blocked out friends, family, my Heavenly Father. Who was I to think that I could do it on my own? I was so wrong. I was so weak. I was so stubborn and proud. Well, don't worry. I got my "humbling experience." I went through the darkest time of my life. But I realized this important fact: If you don't experience the darkness, you don't recognize the light.The darkness is gone; the light is getting closer. I want it. I want it to engulf and embrace me. But first I must be worthy of it. The darkness taught me to be human. I am human. I make mistakes. I get lonely and sad. I cry. I can't be tough all the time and the people that really love and know me don't expect me to. I want all those people to know I'm tearing down the walls. Some bricks are harder to pry than others, some just won't crumble away. But down they will come, no matter how long it takes and how much pain it causes. The joy and freedom with no walls will be worth it. So, so worth it.

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

In this crazy dance I call life, as I learn, I am surprised at some self-discovery. I am a leader. For so long, I have felt the pressure of leading. Leading my own life, leading the people around me, leading all the followers. Well guess what--I don't want to lead all the time anymore! In the past few months, I found that for the first time in my life, I couldn't lead. I didn't know where to lead to. I couldn't lead myself, so I couldn't lead others. I tried to lead anyway. Bad idea. Don't try to lead others when you don't know where you want to go. For the first time, I had to play a different role. I had to learn to follow. Follow and trust people that love me, follow people inspired to lead me, and most importantly, follow a plan that someone much wiser has in store for me. My pride was stripped away from me and I learned to follow my Heavenly Father through the gift of His spirit that I had neglected, thrown out like a child's toy I thought I didn't need anymore because I was "all grown up." I need the companionship of the spirit. I didn't realize how much I relied on it until it was gone from my life. All those years, I thought I was the one leading, I was the smart one, the brave one, the courageous one. WRONG. The whole time, the spirit was leading me, guiding me, watching my every step so I wouldn't fall. And the second I thought it was all me, I fell. And I fell hard. And it wasn't me that picked me up. That same loving Father, who I had offended and shunned, was the one to give me a hand, to pick me back up and get me back on my feet. What mercy! And now, now I am ready to run! Run to a happier place with no brick walls, no dark corners, only light and real happiness. And now I am willing to follow my friends and family, my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ. I will follow them to the light, and hopefully lead some other people along the way. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

These are just a few of the lessons I learned from a trial that hit me like a hurricane. But I am stronger from it. Now I know that it's okay to learn as you go, to come up with a pieces of a plan each day at a time. I know I must follow to be able to lead. And I know what real happiness is, and what I must do to get it. Now the best part of the dance begins, taking the steps to nail the ending and being happy and content with the result. And I can't wait to get my dance on!

Capitol Reef National Park

Picture to right is of Capitol Reef 'Castle'

This weekend, I spent two days hiking down in Capitol Reef with my outdoor recreation class. Capitol Reef has had 157% snowfall this year, so I was a little worried. The whole way down, my teacher kept saying, "Wow. There's never been snow (or ice) there before!" That really helped keep us calm. NOT. Well we get there and yes, there is quite a bit of snow. But luckily the sun was shining and we were all excited to start our adventures. Friday afternoon we started did a hike through the Grand Wash, about six miles long. It was really neat! We hiked on slick rock, did a little stemming (when you're in a slot and to get through, you but your back/buttocks on one cliff wall and your legs and feet on the other and shuffle sideways through the slot), and even a bit of rock climbing on some porous sandstone. It was pretty strenuous, a lot of uphill and downhill. Honestly I'd rather go uphill because going down is rough on my knees. I learned a lot about geology and leaving no trace on the environment. The Grand Wash was incredible. I love red rock! Friday was a bit windy, so it was pretty cold even though the sun was shining. At one point, we were up as high as you could go without the danger or dying and the wind was so strong that it was difficult to keep your balance as the gusts whipped every which way. But man the views were outrageous! This was supposed to be a camping trip, but we found out about an educational observation study and decided to spend the night there because it was so cold and windy. We ate dinner and had a great devotional in which our teacher expressed his views on taking what life gives you and running with it while learning to appreciate the world around you. He has such a passion and such a love for nature and God's creations. It's really inspiring. We then sang a few hymns and played some games before heading off to bed. The observation's manager was a man named Ho. He used to be a park ranger, but now runs this observation house. He isn't LDS and it was really strange having him there for devotional. But he later expressed his gratitude for our warmth and our singing skills. He said he prefers silence and solitude and believes that nature for him replaces any church or religion. He had some very interesting views but he wasn't afraid to share them or observe the things we did. I can see where he's coming from in the fact that there is a peace and serenity up there that you just don't find anywhere else. That was the best part for me. The silence and chance to think and not be distracted by the world.

Saturday we woke up bright and early to make breakfast, clean up and check out of the observation, and be on our way to the next hike. The sunset over the Henry mountains and the sun beaming on the red cliffs was an incredible view! Stupid me, my batteries on the camera weren't charged. But I'll get pictures from everyone else. After breakfast, we left the observation cleaner than we found it. Ho said we were 'very thorough.' He also is doing a study on how much waste (trash, not human waste) humans in society produce. So before we left, he weighed our trash. And funny little tidbit here. Everyone in the group had noticed how much I ate and didn't let me hear the end of it. I ate so much Friday night that I was deemed the 'garbage disposal.' I had a little fun with it and I was happy to be there to entertain everyone else. Anyway, Ho gathers the trash in one bag and lets me, Miss Disposal, do the honors of putting it on the scale. 2 lbs! That was only .19 lb per person per day. He said we set a really high bar and that the average person produces 2.5 lbs of waste per day. WOW! He was very into recycling and preservation of materials. So congratulations to me- I lowered the group trash amount! Or so everyone else kept telling me. It was fun. This picture is what Gooseneck is supposed to look like.
Now our Saturday hike was the infamous 'water hike' in the goosenecks of Capitol Reef, along the Fremont River. Luckily Saturday's forecast was much warmer and with no wind chill. It was a beautiful day, blue skies, no clouds, a bright sun. We spent all morning/early afternoon hiking the stream bed. It was about five miles, but we took a while and enjoyed ourselves. Phil, my teacher, had never seen so much ice and any snow down there at this time of year, so he was very excited to see something different and new. This hike was INCREDIBLE! The natural beauty was just amazing. We saw waterfalls frozen to the cliff walls. In the areas of the winding canyon that are shaded most of the day, the stream was frozen over. You could see the layers of the ice and snow so clearly on the ice shelves. And the ice crystals were so intricate and beautiful. In many places, we had to find new routes, or walk across the ice, hoping it was thick enough to hold. In the sunny stretches, the stream wasn't very cold and I had a good time running a splashing in it. I don't like having to watch my footing and concentrate on finding a route avoiding the water, so I just walked in the stream bed. It was delightful! A little cold at first, but it made the experience better. We saw coyote tracks, dear tracks, and cool rock/ice formations. There were waterfalls into pools of freezing cold water. Everything was so beautiful! I wish we could be there a little later, when all the wildflowers are blooming. Since there's been so much snow, there's going to be a lot of wildflowers that I would love to see. The effects of erosion are so varied and so severe and magnificent. What a beautiful earth we live on! I didn't want the hike to end. Capitol Reef is one of the parks that kinda stays under the radar and I hope it stays that way. What makes it so amazing is the fact that it looks untouched and in its natural state. The trip was so much fun and I really gained a greater appreciation for the world around me and God's creations. There is so much more to life than many people see. When you get away from all the distractions and noise, it is easier to feel of God's love and feel the peace that will one day cover the earth when it becomes the Celestial Kingdom. We live in a beautiful world, hand-crafted by God and my respect for it deepened and my desire to explore it grew. I highly recommend getting away and going to see the natural beauty of the earth. It is a contagious learning experience. This is what goosenecks really looked like. SNOW!

Beginning Anew

I decided to try to take up blogging again. I wasn't very good at keeping it updated. But I'm more determined this time. Here's an update on my life! I'm at BYU in my second semester of school. I love it here, but it's been a big adjustment. I have two really great roommates, Stephanie and Caitlin. We have a good time, and they are often a distraction from my schoolwork. Classes are hard, but this semester I balanced the hard ones with some fun ones to keep me sane. I am not working; I wanted to enjoy my first year. BYU has thrown some new challenges at me, with a more rigorous schedule, lots of opportunity, and (of course) harder classes. It's fun to have school be a challenge for once and I'm learning so much! I haven't made a set decision on a major, but I'm leaning towards Math Education. I would love to teach high school algebra or statistics. If not math education, then Recreation Management. I love working with people and being in a leadership position. I want to help people, whatever my job may be. This semester will be over in just over a month, then HOME SWEET HOME! I'm definitely ready for the summer weather and to be home again with my family, and mom's cooking. My new theory: when the weather is bi-polar, I am bi-polar. Yeah, I'm ready for warm weather!