Life's a Dance!

I'm coming back to the blogging world. Maybe for longer than a month this time. We'll just have to wait and see.

I have been inspired to take writing up again by a dear friend of mine who just has a way with words, and who is possibly the happiest person in the world right now. Literally.

As I start another semester at BYU, I look back and can't even remember how I got to such a point in my life. I am in my fourth semester, it is 2011, and so much has changed. And ya know what, I'm kinda scared of change. But I'm beginning to learn to embrace change, to make it your friend, to take advantage of it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm learning to be patient with myself and with my circumstances and where I'm at in life. I'm not a patient person--this is no easy task for me. I want to have a plan, I want to have a future in sight, I want I want I want. But I realize that in obsessing over finding a plan, I forgot to live in the present. I forgot to live, period.

Life's a dance, you learn as you go.

At this point in my life especially, it isn't always possible to have a plan. I can't even look six months into the future and know where I'll be and what I'll be doing. This used to hold me back, to hinder my enjoyment of life, to bring constant anxiety and worry. Not anymore! I won't let it. I was missing the point of life. Life is given to us to learn and grow, to love and laugh, to be loved, to find out who we are and who we want to be. Life is a dance, you learn as you go.

And I'm in the craziest, coolest, most fun step of this so-called dance. And I am learning as I go. I learned lots of things last semester. I learned that grandmas are the best examples ever--they know what they're talking about! They've lived an entire life loving and serving and being loved. I love my Grandma and the things she has taught me in such a short time. She taught me that when you truly love someone, they'll never leave your heart. She taught me that it is possible to live a happy and full life, despite all the curve balls thrown at you. And most important of all, she taught me about happiness. REAL HAPPINESS. Happiness that comes from deep within your soul; sometimes you have to really dig in to feel it. She taught me that what I was doing and how I was living was not seeking after true happiness. I was searching for happiness in things that don't matter in the end, in things she doesn't even have anymore. My dear grandmother taught me that happiness comes from living a faithful life, trusting in God, building relationships with people you love, and dancing to your own music.

Grandma gave me the perfect environment to learn. And oh boy did I learn a lot about myself. I learned that I don't have to be the tough chick all the time. For the first time in my life, I felt really lost. Things had always gone according to plan before. And the first time they didn't happen the way I thought they should, I let it destroy me. I ran away to a little place and built four walls around me. I ran away and blocked out friends, family, my Heavenly Father. Who was I to think that I could do it on my own? I was so wrong. I was so weak. I was so stubborn and proud. Well, don't worry. I got my "humbling experience." I went through the darkest time of my life. But I realized this important fact: If you don't experience the darkness, you don't recognize the light.The darkness is gone; the light is getting closer. I want it. I want it to engulf and embrace me. But first I must be worthy of it. The darkness taught me to be human. I am human. I make mistakes. I get lonely and sad. I cry. I can't be tough all the time and the people that really love and know me don't expect me to. I want all those people to know I'm tearing down the walls. Some bricks are harder to pry than others, some just won't crumble away. But down they will come, no matter how long it takes and how much pain it causes. The joy and freedom with no walls will be worth it. So, so worth it.

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

In this crazy dance I call life, as I learn, I am surprised at some self-discovery. I am a leader. For so long, I have felt the pressure of leading. Leading my own life, leading the people around me, leading all the followers. Well guess what--I don't want to lead all the time anymore! In the past few months, I found that for the first time in my life, I couldn't lead. I didn't know where to lead to. I couldn't lead myself, so I couldn't lead others. I tried to lead anyway. Bad idea. Don't try to lead others when you don't know where you want to go. For the first time, I had to play a different role. I had to learn to follow. Follow and trust people that love me, follow people inspired to lead me, and most importantly, follow a plan that someone much wiser has in store for me. My pride was stripped away from me and I learned to follow my Heavenly Father through the gift of His spirit that I had neglected, thrown out like a child's toy I thought I didn't need anymore because I was "all grown up." I need the companionship of the spirit. I didn't realize how much I relied on it until it was gone from my life. All those years, I thought I was the one leading, I was the smart one, the brave one, the courageous one. WRONG. The whole time, the spirit was leading me, guiding me, watching my every step so I wouldn't fall. And the second I thought it was all me, I fell. And I fell hard. And it wasn't me that picked me up. That same loving Father, who I had offended and shunned, was the one to give me a hand, to pick me back up and get me back on my feet. What mercy! And now, now I am ready to run! Run to a happier place with no brick walls, no dark corners, only light and real happiness. And now I am willing to follow my friends and family, my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ. I will follow them to the light, and hopefully lead some other people along the way. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

These are just a few of the lessons I learned from a trial that hit me like a hurricane. But I am stronger from it. Now I know that it's okay to learn as you go, to come up with a pieces of a plan each day at a time. I know I must follow to be able to lead. And I know what real happiness is, and what I must do to get it. Now the best part of the dance begins, taking the steps to nail the ending and being happy and content with the result. And I can't wait to get my dance on!