Never Say Never

My life is good.

Actually, my life is great!

Why? 3 reasons.

The first reason is the stud in this picture with me. It's a dang good reason, don't ya think? He takes care of me. He understands me, and when he doesn't (cause lets face it- we women can be crazy) he tries really hard to. He gives really good advice- he's got a few more years of wisdom than me. He rubs the knots out of my shoulders, and out of my heart. He heals me, and what he can't heal he reminds me that someone higher and mightier can. He makes me laugh. Don't be deceived by his pretty boy first impression- he's really a nerd, just like me. He lets me be a part of his family. And I love it. A lot. Because that's what it's all about, family. The family that you have now and the family that you will make for yourself. He holds me when I cry and tells me that it's cute, even when I know I must look disastrous. He constantly reminds me how lucky and blessed I am when I have those days when nothing is going right for me. He makes me a better person- I'm starting to learn the key to happiness: forgetting about yourself and doing all you can for the people you love. And best of all, he loves me the way I am. And that's all I've ever wanted.

The second reason is that I have successfully overcome my mid-college crisis. Yep, that's right. I had one. I have always loved school. I've always prided myself on that. Well, the past few months have consisted of lack of focus, lack of motivation, and lack of passion for learning. I kept pushing through it and pushing through it. But that didn't seem to work. Something had to change. The only reason I was studying Math Ed. was my love for teaching, and that reason just wasn't enough anymore. At a session of General Conference, I got an answer. The Lord fulfills his promises! I can still be a teacher and do what I love without being a Teacher. Get it? This semester I began my Coaching minor classes and let me tell ya- I am soaking this stuff up! My craving for learning returned, my desire to excel is back, and I am motivated. So, here's my solution: I changed my major to Exercise and Wellness. And the really great part? I can still graduate on time! The Lord watches out for me and I am so thankful. I now have new hopes and dreams. I went through some refiner's fire to find them, but they are here and they are stronger than ever.

The third reason is more personal. Again, a lot of inspired people have helped me find answers to my questions. I was letting some things from my past hold me back. I didn't want to. But I didn't know how to let go. Now I do. Forgive and forget has taken on a whole new meaning to me recently. It means digging down deep for compassion. It means mustering up courage. It means humbling yourself so that others can help heal you. It means learning to love and trust again. It means remembering what is most important in the bigger picture. It means moving forward, even when the unknown is scary. It means finding gratitude for what you have and forgetting what you don't. It means finding happiness. After all, it is better to look up. And it means having confidence and faith that you can overcome anything, anything at all.

Never Say Never.

What For?!

Ya know, I used to ask "What for?"

Now I say, "Why the heck not?!"

Life is much too short to be making excuses all the time. There just isn't time for justification. Somebody really smart once reminded me, "Be who you are and love where it takes you."

Something I've figured out in the past couple of weeks: Be you, and people will love you for it. And guess what? That allows you to love them back.

Courage

Courage to go on. Courage to move forward when the future is so unknown and so scary.

Where has this courage been? Lost. Lost for much too long. But now it's back. Why? Because there is a reason to get up in the morning. There is a reason to put a smile on my face. And that reason is love. Love for family, love for friends, and most importantly love from those people in return.

Love. Love requires courage. And it takes love to have courage. A frustrating and confusing relationship, but so worth every moment of figuring it all out. It takes courage to love people, to make yourself so vulnerable and trusting. Some may break this trust; some may break your heart. But those who truly love and care for you will never leave your heart. It takes even more courage to let people love you, to let people within the walls you've built up. It would be so much easier if there weren't any walls. But the people that want to love you won't sit and wait for you to take them down; they'll help you do it, brick by brick, tearing down the walls and building up the trust. That takes true courage.

You must feel love for something, anything, to keep you going. The things I love that keep me going are small and simple. Family. Friends. Laughter. Music. My Grandma. Letters. Roommates. Family. Family. And more Family.

Does it hurt to love something so much? You bet. Does it hurt to not love something enough? Definitely. Is it possible to love someone too much? Never!

I don't know my future; I can't even see myself six months from now. But one thing I do know is that living life scared to love hurts. It doesn't protect you like you think it will. Love takes courage, courage to trust, courage to move forward into the unknown, courage to sacrifice. And ya know what? It's supposed to be that way.

I have courage because I love my family, my friends, and they have my back. I find courage in the love and trust people place in me, courage to have their back.

Courage.

Confusing, beautiful, intimidating, real, difficult, encouraging.

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

For a girl much too young to face death, these words became reality tonight.

Life ain't always what you think it oughta be...
I never knew... {love} but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.
Funny when you're {gone} how people start listening.


Who would've thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life.
But I've had just enough time.


And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom.
I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors.


Send me away with the words of a love song.
The ballad of a dove; go with peace and love.

I am grateful for so many things. But most of all right now I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have the opportunity to live a full and happy life. I'm grateful for courageous people like this beautiful young girl that taught us all what life is really about and showed us what happiness means.

Life is too short. I never want to live a day where I forget that. And only God knows when the time will come for you to move on. The only thing that I can do is to make sure that I can say that "I've had enough time." Enough time to live and to love and to be remembered.

God Bless the families all over the world who are suffering and mourning losses. I mourn with you.

A New Beginning

These are my beautiful, wonderful, hilarious new roommates. I moved into Enclave and love it already!

Amanda and I are very similar in many ways, yet different at the same time. Don't ask me how it works, it just does! It is inspiring the way she is so passionate about school and I hope I can study at least half as much as she does. She makes delicious food and keeps us all happy and healthy. She is a great listener and gives really good advice. I'm excited to get to know her better and have good times!

Stephanie, lil munchkin! Where to even start... She's my best friend and I love her so much. She is always there for me and doesn't judge me-she loves me for me, no matter what! We have WAY too much fun together and I can't wait to make even more memories with her (as if we don't have enough already). I'm so grateful to have a friend like her and to be living with her makes me very happy. We're practically sisters anyway...

And Jess. Oh man Jess is hysterical! I had no clue this girl was going to be so funny! Jess is adorable in every way. I'm stoked to become better friends with her. She's super understanding and really easy to bond with. She likes to be social, as do I, so I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun times in the future. We already laugh together a lot, which I really appreciate.

Living with these girls has already made me sooo much happier. Nobody will know the difference but me. But I just wanted to express my gratitude to them for taking me in and making me feel welcome and wanted. It is just what I needed and I'm really glad I decided to spontaneously make it happen. BEST DECISION EVER!

Life's a Dance!

I'm coming back to the blogging world. Maybe for longer than a month this time. We'll just have to wait and see.

I have been inspired to take writing up again by a dear friend of mine who just has a way with words, and who is possibly the happiest person in the world right now. Literally.

As I start another semester at BYU, I look back and can't even remember how I got to such a point in my life. I am in my fourth semester, it is 2011, and so much has changed. And ya know what, I'm kinda scared of change. But I'm beginning to learn to embrace change, to make it your friend, to take advantage of it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm learning to be patient with myself and with my circumstances and where I'm at in life. I'm not a patient person--this is no easy task for me. I want to have a plan, I want to have a future in sight, I want I want I want. But I realize that in obsessing over finding a plan, I forgot to live in the present. I forgot to live, period.

Life's a dance, you learn as you go.

At this point in my life especially, it isn't always possible to have a plan. I can't even look six months into the future and know where I'll be and what I'll be doing. This used to hold me back, to hinder my enjoyment of life, to bring constant anxiety and worry. Not anymore! I won't let it. I was missing the point of life. Life is given to us to learn and grow, to love and laugh, to be loved, to find out who we are and who we want to be. Life is a dance, you learn as you go.

And I'm in the craziest, coolest, most fun step of this so-called dance. And I am learning as I go. I learned lots of things last semester. I learned that grandmas are the best examples ever--they know what they're talking about! They've lived an entire life loving and serving and being loved. I love my Grandma and the things she has taught me in such a short time. She taught me that when you truly love someone, they'll never leave your heart. She taught me that it is possible to live a happy and full life, despite all the curve balls thrown at you. And most important of all, she taught me about happiness. REAL HAPPINESS. Happiness that comes from deep within your soul; sometimes you have to really dig in to feel it. She taught me that what I was doing and how I was living was not seeking after true happiness. I was searching for happiness in things that don't matter in the end, in things she doesn't even have anymore. My dear grandmother taught me that happiness comes from living a faithful life, trusting in God, building relationships with people you love, and dancing to your own music.

Grandma gave me the perfect environment to learn. And oh boy did I learn a lot about myself. I learned that I don't have to be the tough chick all the time. For the first time in my life, I felt really lost. Things had always gone according to plan before. And the first time they didn't happen the way I thought they should, I let it destroy me. I ran away to a little place and built four walls around me. I ran away and blocked out friends, family, my Heavenly Father. Who was I to think that I could do it on my own? I was so wrong. I was so weak. I was so stubborn and proud. Well, don't worry. I got my "humbling experience." I went through the darkest time of my life. But I realized this important fact: If you don't experience the darkness, you don't recognize the light.The darkness is gone; the light is getting closer. I want it. I want it to engulf and embrace me. But first I must be worthy of it. The darkness taught me to be human. I am human. I make mistakes. I get lonely and sad. I cry. I can't be tough all the time and the people that really love and know me don't expect me to. I want all those people to know I'm tearing down the walls. Some bricks are harder to pry than others, some just won't crumble away. But down they will come, no matter how long it takes and how much pain it causes. The joy and freedom with no walls will be worth it. So, so worth it.

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

In this crazy dance I call life, as I learn, I am surprised at some self-discovery. I am a leader. For so long, I have felt the pressure of leading. Leading my own life, leading the people around me, leading all the followers. Well guess what--I don't want to lead all the time anymore! In the past few months, I found that for the first time in my life, I couldn't lead. I didn't know where to lead to. I couldn't lead myself, so I couldn't lead others. I tried to lead anyway. Bad idea. Don't try to lead others when you don't know where you want to go. For the first time, I had to play a different role. I had to learn to follow. Follow and trust people that love me, follow people inspired to lead me, and most importantly, follow a plan that someone much wiser has in store for me. My pride was stripped away from me and I learned to follow my Heavenly Father through the gift of His spirit that I had neglected, thrown out like a child's toy I thought I didn't need anymore because I was "all grown up." I need the companionship of the spirit. I didn't realize how much I relied on it until it was gone from my life. All those years, I thought I was the one leading, I was the smart one, the brave one, the courageous one. WRONG. The whole time, the spirit was leading me, guiding me, watching my every step so I wouldn't fall. And the second I thought it was all me, I fell. And I fell hard. And it wasn't me that picked me up. That same loving Father, who I had offended and shunned, was the one to give me a hand, to pick me back up and get me back on my feet. What mercy! And now, now I am ready to run! Run to a happier place with no brick walls, no dark corners, only light and real happiness. And now I am willing to follow my friends and family, my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ. I will follow them to the light, and hopefully lead some other people along the way. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

These are just a few of the lessons I learned from a trial that hit me like a hurricane. But I am stronger from it. Now I know that it's okay to learn as you go, to come up with a pieces of a plan each day at a time. I know I must follow to be able to lead. And I know what real happiness is, and what I must do to get it. Now the best part of the dance begins, taking the steps to nail the ending and being happy and content with the result. And I can't wait to get my dance on!